I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
