Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I will be naked everywhere
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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