I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
