mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
