Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
