Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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