I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
