Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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