i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sponge bath it is.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
