True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
