Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
