i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
