My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I am never drinking with the goths again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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