I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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