The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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