They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Sext me about skeletons
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize