also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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