"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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