new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
