The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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