Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
