i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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