You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize