I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
