I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
