I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
