I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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