Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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