Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
