Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
