I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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