my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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