Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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