yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
