I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
