sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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