As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
