What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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