If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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