I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
