i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
