I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
