and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
