Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
