piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
