I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
