My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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