that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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