I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
