I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
