i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
