have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
