3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
