she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
