I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
