your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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