I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
