Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
