So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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