Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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