how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
