Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
