hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Houston, we have a squirter
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
