When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
