I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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