i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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