He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
